Some turtles are really fucking evil. They want to take over the world and keep all the water to themselves. I recently saw this documentary called Rango, with some nigga named Johnny Depp narrating it, explaining how corrupt land turtles are. Sea turtles are usually cool (example: Finding Nemo), but those land muthafuckas are shit. Look at Super Mario—they tried to kill the princess! And Bowser is a big-ass stank nigga. So, no, overall turtles don’t make good pets. They will try to kill you in your sleep and doo-doo in your sneakers.
Tables are really nice. They listen to your worries, hold things for you, and you can boo-boo on them and they will not complain. The first table I had was named Hemphrey. He couldn’t speak English too well, but Hemphrey was the nicest table I’d ever met. He died from a heroin overdose. So, yes, tables make great pets, just keep cool shit like heroin away from them.
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